There have been many times in my life when I asked myself why I even play video games. At first, it was just a new way to “play”. I can’t even explain what pulled me into Centipede, Super Mario Bros., Missile Command, Battle City and a lot of those old games on the Atari and Nintendo consoles. Having a “gamepad” was something new. I can’t even justify it being “uniquely new” since I wasn’t even 7 years old when I had my first experience with games when almost everything was still supposed to be new to me.
In today’s world where many people play games to “rank” or see their names on a leaderboards somewhere, can we even still refer to what we do as “just playin’”? I’ve gone from just trying things out, to role-playing my way into racing, martial arts, and commanding armies, and now, to eSports. I’m not saying that I’m so much into it that I still have dreams of competing; it’s now the arena for the young ones. But I’ve always wondered if there was anything more to “just living”. I’ve always been interested in fiction and impossible things. From superheroes, to The Seven Sleepers series of books, to innovating the use of technology for “traditional” tasks, to just hacking my way into life, I realize that that was how I lived my life since childhood. I may not have been good in sports, so I tried mastering video games. I might not have been physically strong but I tried my best to be intelligent. I might not have been the most intelligent in my circle but I usually tried to be smart. I may not have been an “A” student but I didn’t want to be branded a nerd either. All of these things contributed to my aversion to the concept of competition.
To compete would have meant two things: either I was defeated or I did that to someone else. I was really ok with the former but the lack of friends forced me not to aim for the latter either. I remember some games back then when some classmates and neighbors would complain that if I won, I was too good for them to even be playing with me; and that if I lost to them, then I intentionally lost which made them feel that I was being condescending on them. Such was life. And so I enjoyed the company of the friend (incorrectly) called AI. Throughout the years, he was also called CPU, computer, bot, programming, cheater, and probably a lot of other names. The “AI” allowed me to defeat opponents with a “clear conscience”. I didn’t have the social courage to have shouted “oh yeah!” during whatever competition I might have joined so these computer opponents provided a way for me to win without having stepped on other people’s prides and feelings.
Fast-forward to 2018. I’m not ranking in any way that may even make a dent in any leaderboard. Heck, even my YouTube videos don’t even have 4-digit views. People keep on telling me that I MIGHT have been something if I started playing seriously (or writing seriously) back then. But all this is telling me is that I wasn’t meant to head into that direction. Competitive gaming has now given me a different catalyst – where I’m forced to push myself forward for the sake of the people around me: my family, my students, my country and everyone else who’s (supposedly) learning from me. “Fighting for my country” has been turned into a cliche which I’d like to avoid but I just can’t. I am now literally pursuing an endeavor which directly affects a group of people to have the chance to represent our country. There is no more “just playin’”.